My friends Pete and Kaylen got married last weekend. It was pretty awesome, both because the union of Pete and Kaylen is a fantastic happening in and of itself, but also because the event was pretty spectacular. I had the privilege of being one of Pete's groomsmen for the proceedings, which is really one of the easiest jobs a person in a wedding can have, and was a job for which I was well suited as it really only required me to walk, stand and sit with a group of similarly dressed men. But I'm getting ahead of myself (I really don't like how this sentence is going so far; that kind of "cute/functional" self aware writing that is the first 6 words of this sentence is so freshmen in college, as opposed to this kind of self-aware meta deconstruction, which is so second semester junior in college), none of that happened till Saturday. My Pete and Kaylen Weddingstravaganza (has anyone ever noticed how often I add the suffix "stravaganza" to words for alleged comedic purposes. I think I'm the only who thinks it's funny, but to be fair, I think it's really funny. I will never stop doing it. Just saying.) started on Friday.
Dissolve to:
Friday, July 9th 11:30am - 2:00pm: The Drive
It was raining when I left Cape. This fact isn't important, but it is true, much like that fact that the capital of Ethiopia is Nairobi (Note: this fact is neither important nor true). My trip to St. Louis wasn't eventful. I stopped at the same Jack in the Box in Herculaneum I always stop at and got the same Ultimate Bacon Cheeseburger and Chicken sandwich I always get. I will say that the staff at this Jack in the Box was of noteworthy incompetence. They acted like they had never had a lunch rush before, and that a lunch rush consists of 5 people. The soundtrack of my drive up was the four tracks on Emotionalism by the Avett Brothers that I always listen to, the two tracks of Grand by Matt and Kim that I always listen to, and probably some Wings.
Friday, July 9th 2:00 - 3:30pm: The Fitting
After making it to Steve's (on my first attempt!), I hung out with Steve and Mary briefly before being joined by David "Kibbles" Kiblinger and BaBrendan McMeel at which point we journeyed to "the loop" to get our tuxes from the rental place.
Int. Rental Place - Day
STEVE, B, DAVID and MATT are all in separate dressing compartments. Matt wins, because he was the first person to make the "follow someone into the dressing room joke". (This joke consists of walking into the same stall as another person when you're going into a dressing room and then acting surprised when that person calls you out on it, usually by saying "What?". This joke does not work well on strangers).
Matt: (opening the bag that contains his tux) Hey do you guys have shirts in your bags?
Steve, B and David: Yup.
Matt: Bullshit.
Steve: Seriously. Do you not have a shirt?
Matt: No.
Steve: You should go get a shirt.
Matt: Are you sure you have a shirt?
Steve: Yes. Go get one from the Guy.
Matt leaves, momentarily, then returns to his stall and puts on his tuxedo pants. Shortly the Guy pops his head into Matt's stall and hands him a shirt. Matt puts it on quickly and then steps out of the stall to see the other men already well tuxed.
Steve: We look like robots.
Matt: Why is my collar different from your collars?
Brendan: You have a different collar.
Steve: Go tell the Guy.
Matt leaves to tell the Guy about the collar situation. The Guy is a lot more apologetic about it than he needs to be, and brings Matt a new shirt with great haste.
Matt: Does your guys top button button?
Steve: Don't worry about it. Put your tie over it and no one will notice.
And nobody did!
Friday, July 9th 3:30- 4:45pm; Intermission
I bought some shoes at Target, and Brendan and David revealed the story of a Cape Girardean that had recently died of dehydration while hiking in Mongolia. This tragic event would become the punchline to many (although, to be honest, not quite enough for my taste) sick, sick jokes for the remainder of the weekend. Also at some point we played spades, but that wasn't till we got to Steve and Mary's.
Friday July 9th 5:00- 8:00pm; Rehearsaling
It was at this point Tim, Frank and Jason joined our party. Tim was the only "late in life" friend that was a groomsmen (Pete was the person who used the phrase "late in life" to describe Tim. I think Pete thinks he's an old man or he knows something about his mortality that the rest of us do not).
Tim and Frank (who ushered) went to college with Pete and Steve, and when I would go on trips with Pete and Kaylen and Steve and Mary, Frank or Tim and I would be the fifth and six wheels respectively. We usually resisted the urge to hold hands while walking around whatever city (usually Chicago) we were in, waiting to do whatever we were waiting to do (usually going to a concert), but that's not to say we lacked chemistry. Anyway, it was good to see those guys.
Jason is a camp friend of Pete and Steve's. Pete and Steve's "camp friends" are a unique breed of genuinely nice people that never quite seemed to gel completely with Pete and Steve's non-camp friends. I may be speaking out of turn, but that was always my experience. That being said, Jason was a really cool, really fun guy and one of the two male members of the wedding party that danced at the reception (unless you count Pete as part of the wedding party, which for some reason, I didn't when writing that last sentence, so technically 3 male members of the wedding party danced. And to be completely honest, I couldn't with complete certainty say that Tim didn't dance at the reception, so it was possible that at least 4 male members of the wedding party danced, but I'm 80% sure that Frank didn't dance, and nearly 100% sure that me, B and kibbles didn't dance, so let's just that that Jason was part of the simple majority of the male contingent of the wedding party that danced). So yeah, Jason was an usher.
Anyway, the rehearsal was at St. Margaret of Scotland Church (I think), which was, incidentally the same church where the wedding was held the following day. I don't think this was a coincidence. The rehearsal consisted of some walking and standing. There was also some sitting. I should mention that Pete and Kaylen were both there at the church too. I know you probably assumed that they were there, but since I had failed to officially introduce them into the narrative, I figured I would do so now. So yeah, from this point on, Pete and Kaylen are in the story, unless I say they're not.
Also there were some bridesmaids there too. I don't remember most of their names because when I meet people I'm probably never going to meet again, I don't remember their names. I know one was named Emme because she's the one who I had to walk with (she also was, and as far as I know, still is Kaylen's sister), and one was named Marci. I remember her name because her head was green and pink (at least the part of her head that was her hair was those colors). I think one of the other ones was named Sarah, but I think that's just a really common name for girls and the odds of one of a group of five girls being named Sarah is pretty good.
Right so the rehearsal was pretty simple. The rehearsal dinner followed. It was at a vegetarian diner. This lead to a discussion about what the differences between vegans and vegetarians are. This discussion seemed a bit unnecessary since everyone involved agreed as to what the differences were, so it wasn't as much as a discussion as an opportunity for four men to revel in their mutual know-it-allness. The highlight of the dinner was dessert: Imagine a hostess cupcake. Are you envisioning it? Can you see it's moist cakey base, topped off with a layer of hard chocolate icing, with the curly cue white icing on top? Can you see the creamy white filling? You can? Do you have imaginary x-ray vision or did you already take a bite out of it? Oh. Well wait till I'm done painting this word picture before you start eating it. You know what, never mind, go ahead and imaginary eat the imaginary hostess cupcake, I was pretty much done anyway.
Anyway, the diner make it's own hostess cupcakes, only they are much bigger than the ones you get at the store and that's what we had for dessert. I pretended to like them a lot more than I actually did. They were ok cupcakes, but the ones at the Cupcakery are much better. Jason, however, seemed to like them more than anyone has ever liked anything before. He was really open about his admiration for the cupcakes. Jason was a really interesting guy.
Later...
After the rehearsal dinner we went back to Steve and Mary's. It kind of turned into a party pretty quickly, and as such, I tried to get out there as soon as I could. At one point a jam session broke out. I ended up staying a lot later than I had intended due to several interesting conversations I became involved in, the contents of which I can't quite remember. I'm pretty sure both dying in Mongolia and vuvuzelas were probably involved. At some point I left and went to my uncle Kevin's house to sleep. There was some pizza eaten and some attempts at card writing that happened too, but certainly not at blogworthy levels, so I won't go into detail about them.
End Part 1.
NEXT TIME ON PETE AND KAYLEN'S WEDDING BLOG:
Matt: Steve, do you have the rings?
Steve: You mean these rings? (Steve punches Matt in the face)
Matt: Oh God! Not my face, that's my third least favorite place to get punched!
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Brendan: Hey guys, I have something I need to tell you about...
Everyone: *stunned silence*
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David: Oh God, it's so hot out here.
Steve: You mean these rings!?!!!?? (Steve punches David in the face)
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Pete: This is my favorite Lady Gaga song, but just barely because I have so many beloved songs by Lady Gaga, it is hard for me to chose!
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Kev McMeel: Let me show you how non-tenured Semo Professors drink scotch.
TUNE IN NEXT TIME!
