A few summers ago (apparently 6 summers ago to be exact), I had stumbled upon something called the internet, and on that internet there were things called Fanfics. For those of you that are unaware, a fanfic is basically a story about characters that are someone else's intellectual property, usually written by someone who is a fan of said characters and is frequently not a good writer. Fanfics can be pretty entertaining in their earnest terribleness, which is why I decided that my friends and I should have a weekly fanfiction writing competition. A topic would be decided on by the previous week's winner (who would also judge that week's competition), and all participants would have to write a 150 word (or more) short story about the topic and then read their story at the weekly reading. I think my friend Matthew and I were the only one's that enjoyed it, and to be honest, I was the only one that really enjoyed it, but we kept it going sporadically for several months.
The subject that sparked the fanfic competition was Harry Potter and because of that and my latent Potterphelia, several of the competitions were for Harry Potter Fanfics. So to celebrate the release of the second to last Harry Potter movie of all time (hopefully), I would like to share with you one of my many (MANY) Harry Potter Fanfics.
A little background; this was probably written around 2006, which was before Deathly Hallows had come out, so I had was mostly guessing at some of the events that would happen in the final book (and I think for the most part, a lot of my guesses were pretty spot on), and it takes place between books 6 and 7. It also contains one of my favorite jokes I've ever written. Also the formatting is a little rough, so be warned.
Harry Potter was sitting on his bed in his Uncle's house on Privet Drive. He was, once again, thinking about how unfair life was to him and how he was the greatest wizard ever, and how no one in the Order of the Phoenix ever gave him anything to do. Little did he know, at that exact moment several key members of the Order, were plotting something that required the talents of young Mr. Potter.
The phone rang at the Dursley house and Harry's cousin Dudley answered it.
"Dursley Residence, this is Dudley speaking"
"Hello, is Harry Potter there?" responded the voice on the other end.
"Yup" replied Dudley and then he hung up the phone.
The phone rang again, and again Dudley answered it.
"Dursley Residence this is Dudley speaking."
"Can I speak to Harry Potter?" said voice.
"No." retorted Dudley and he again hung up the phone.
The phone rang again and once more Dudley picked it up.
"Dursley Residence this is Dudley speaking"
"Avada Kedavra."
Dudley died.
Suddenly 4 wizards apparated in the Dursley kitchen. It was the third most interesting thing to happen in that kitchen since the Dursley's lived in the House on Privet Drive. (The second most interesting thing happened in 1994 when one of the floor tiles became sentient, the most interesting thing that happened in that kitchen occured two days later when that same tile tried lead a floor covering revolution and overthrow the shag carpet in the sitting room) Harry heard the sound of apparating wizards and ran down to see what was up. He was suprised and for some reason angry to see four of the Weasley brothers in his Uncle's kitchen.
"Charlie, Fred, George, Ron, why are you in my Uncle's kitchen?"
"We're on a special Mission and we need your help,” said George.
“It requires the utmost secrecy,” added Fred.
“Is Voldemort up to something evil? Are we going to fight some death-eaters?” inquired Harry.
“No,” said Ron, “something much more pressing. Bill’s bachelor party. We’re in charge of getting
decorations.”
A few minutes later at The Card and Party Outlet….
Harry: Look Fred, it sounds wonderful, but it also sounds just like a muggle blow job.
Fred: You’ll just have to trust me Harry. Wizard blow-jobs are the best.
Charlie: What do you know about wizard blow jobs?
Fred: Loads, my brother, loads.
George: Hitting yourself with the Infellatia curse is not the same thing as a real BJ.
Ron: Infellatia curse! Does it do what it sounds like it should do?
Fred: All that and more. It’s not really much of a curse. It’s more like a miracle.
Ron: When do we learn it?
Fred: It’s usually covered in the 7th year so… tough luck little brother.
Ron: You have to teach it to me!
Charlie: No one is teaching anyone the Infellatia curse. Now let’s just get the decorations and get out of here.
In the Streamer Aisle of that same Card and Party Outlet…
Voldemort: Should we get the green ones or the gold ones, Severus?
Snape: Don’t they have grey? To match his eyes?
Voldemort: No. No one sells grey streamers. That is ridiculous. Why would anyone want grey streamers. The point of streamers is to make things look festive. Grey is not a festive color.
Snape: Gold then.
Voldemort: I agree, then we can use the gold place settings. Oh this is going to be the best breaking Lucious out of Azkaban party ever! Can’t you feel it?
Snape: (sarcastically) Yes. It is quite an overwhelming feeling.
Voldemort: Don’t get all sarky on me. It’s going to be fun- Oh my god, look who it is over in the “adult” section. It’s Harry Potter and those Weasley kids. Wow, that Ron. He’s shot up like a weed.
Snape: Shooting up weed more like it.
Voldemort: What does that even mean?
Snape: (markedly silent)
Voldemort: Should we go over then and say high?
Snape: I really don’t want to talk to Potter. It’s been really awkward ever since I killed Dumbledore. Did you know he tried to murder me?
Voldemort: (shocked) No!
Snape: It’s true. Right on the front lawn at school. I mean obviously he was just acting out because I just murdered his mentor right in front of his invisible eyes, but still. Let’s just get out of here quickly before they see us.
Voldemort: Ok. Oh shit. Oh shit they saw me. I think they’re coming over here. Sorry.
Harry: VOLDEMORT!!! (Drawing his wand)
Voldemort: Hey there Harry. How’s your summer going?
Harry: YOU KILLED MY PARENTS!!! (everything is more intense with 3 exclamation marks)
Snape: (sheepishly) Hello Harry. Ready for school to start?
Harry: (turning on Snape) YOU KILLED DUMBLEDORE!!!!
Snape: I just finished grading papers from last term and already the next term is about to start. Where does the time go? Ha ha.
Harry: THIS ENDS NOW!
Voldemort: Well, we need to be going. See you later Harry. Bye Weasleys.
Weasley Brothers: Bye.
Snape and Voldemort walk to the cash register, pay for their streamers and leave.
Outside the store…
Voldemort: Wow. You’re right that was really awkward.
Snape: Yikes.
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